This is true university of life - packed with useful information you can use anytime and win :)
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
What? I can see you again here? Are you a maschist or something? But look, let’s be honest - you asked for it yourself.
Yo mama’s so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn ugly tree!
Yo mama’s so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
Yo mama’s so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog still wouldn’t play with her.
Yo mama’s so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away.
Yo mama’s so ugly, she makes blind children cry.
Yo mama’s so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dog biscuits.
Yo mama’s so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.
"Robin Hood", "Conan", "Lord of the Rings", "Star Wars" ... What do they have in common? All Evil Lords are bunch of loosers with no imagination. Here’s top 100 of things that would the author of this article do, if he ever became an evil overlord...
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
5. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
6. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say "No."
8. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
9. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
10. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
11. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
12. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
13. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
14. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
15. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know."
16. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
17. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
18. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
19. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
20. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
21. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
22. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
23. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
24. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
25. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
To be continued...
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Visit his www.eviloverlord.com
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